My wounding/healing pattern story has always been about “enough-ness.” This deep gaping wound that would always rear its ugly head: “I am not enough.” And I’ve flipped that countless times in my mind, repeating the mantra “I am enough. I am worthy. I am more than enough” over and over again. And now I see there’s such a forcefulness behind that. A pushing, a striving , a grasping, a desperation to prove my “enough-ness” from a place of “not enough-ness.” And all of a sudden I begin to wonder, what is “enough-ness” anyway? And at what ‘level’ do I become “enough?” At what stage do I finally win this never-ending, relentless chase of “enough-ness”? I realise that simply by creating this box or this label of “enough-ness”, there then becomes a delineation, a proverbial line in the sand that also creates a box of “not enough-ness”. That by striving for this thing called “enough-ness” I’m automatically placing myself in a space of lack and “not-ness”. Like light and shadow, good and bad—the dualistic ways of this world.
So in this moment, I let go of this long-standing belief and this constant struggle, and I realise that I just am. I am not not enough, and I am not enough. I just am…I just am…I AM.
And I know this is nothing new. It’s not a new teaching by any means, and I’ve recited this mantra many times in meditation practices. But this is the first time I’m actually GETTING IT. “Ahhh, this is what they’ve been talking about all along.” And I’m finally getting it at a MUCH deeper level than ever before, at the level where I feel a veil has been lifted and I feel a sense of liberation and bliss.
This year has been a radically transformative year for me. So much so that I feel the difference within myself, all the way deep down into my cells, my blood, and the neurotransmitters in my brain sending energetic signals throughout my body. Up until now, I’ve always measured or seen my transformation through outwardly things, like the way I dress, the way I shop, the activities that I enjoy doing, and the people that I’ve met and come to know. However, I recognise that these are also just ‘things,’ just another façade or mask to try to fit into a box or take on a new identity in the name of growth. So let’s not focus on those things, and in this moment I choose to focus more on how I feel in who I am right now.
I feel happy, I feel peaceful, I feel free. I feel joyful, and grounded, and centred and in alignment. I feel sure of myself and I feel at ease. And I also recognise that I have moments when I feel lost, ashamed, frustrated, hurt, angry, unsure, and confused. But the difference is now I allow these emotions to surface, and I allow myself to be with them rather than stuffing them down—which ends up building more anxiety around these perceived negative emotions. Rather than trying to fix or heal or continuously trying to perfect myself. Rather than constantly trying to improve or lift myself up the imaginary scale of improvement or growth, rather than seeing this journey as linear, I’m now seeing how this journey is far from linear. Sometimes it feels like a giant vortex, or a pulsating expansion, and sometimes it’s simply a peeling away of outer layers to go inward, where some layers are easier than others, to allow myself to be stripped down to my truest essence.
And even with this momentous remembrance, at a time where I feel unapologetically more myself than ever before—and there’s a quiet pride, steadfastness, and sense of freedom that comes with that, even now I know that this is not eternal. This is simply the season of life that I’m experiencing right now. And with the cyclical phases of life, with the natural ways of being of the elements, as I feel grounded and steadfast now, there will be another cycle of fire and destruction, of flowing with the water, of being carried by the wind, until I settle, root, and bloom again. And throughout all of that, I am all that I AM.
*Excerpt from my journal, Dec 2020, that I felt guided to revisit and share with you today.